I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
