mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
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I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
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SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
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