Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
