Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just google imaged poop.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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