Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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