I must be too annoying 4 u.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
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My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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