Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
