meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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