The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I think my moral compass just broke
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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