Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
