Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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