According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
