also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
