I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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