the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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