You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
