I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
