evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
