NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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