If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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