I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
