dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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