Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
