I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
