just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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