not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
