Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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