Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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