Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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