Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
His nipple licking is glorious
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