i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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