dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
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My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
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Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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