i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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