wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
