i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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