the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
