Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
