ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
