You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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