It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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