Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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