Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
