From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
