I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
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Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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