you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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