hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
