Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
