from now on my penis is your penis
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
