bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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