Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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