how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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