So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
