she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
