wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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