You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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