I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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