My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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